Most of the time I am nice.

Like pretty sweet actually.

It wasn’t always the case. As a teen I was pretty feral at times…

specifically with my step father or anyone who violated my sense of justice.   I would look for fights.  Crimes against nature, people who were down trodden.  I would go in an make shit worse by my indignation but sometimes I would help people to think…maybe, I never stopped to really evaluate my actions at that tender age…just went off in a huff of self righteousness.  (For the record I now have 3 teens…ah the emotional circle of life).

My one hope is that as you age hopefully you grow wiser.  Or, at least for me, I learned how to get on in society without leaving a frothing mass of pissed off people in my wake.

That only came when I learned to Fire the Bitch from being CEO of my life.   I teach this in classes that I give.  The concept is simple.  Most of us have an often vicious inner voice that tears us to shreds and drains us of energy to really create.  The one that criticizes us for our baby steps and compares the first faltering efforts with the polished masterpieces of others…yeah that voice.

In my teens, twenties, and thirties she was CEO of my house.   The feral moments were often fed by an innate sense of frustration that she would bring to my life.   So in a clear moment, I decided to fire her.  Yep.  I fired the bitch.  Tried to cast her completely out of my life.  Reject her and just become all rosy and lovely.

Except as time went on, I realized that it doesn’t actually work like that.  She is a shadow side.

A side that is every much a part of me as the sweet centered loving CEO that is in charge now.

So instead I put her in charge of security.   Security for me and mine.   Still haven’t decided how wise this move is.  I suppose the real root comes down to the “me and mine” which is strictly ego driven but none the less human.   I’m not “enlightened” yet.  I am still in full possession of an ego that although I understand intellectually that we are really all one,  I still seem to put little mental fences around things that are “mine”, such as my pets, my children, my partner, my land.

Anyway yesterday I was busy working on post production and looking out the window at my garden when the next door neighbor’s builders dog comes walking past.  Luckily, just luckily I had not yet put wookie out on his lead.    Wookie is my pacifist of an angora rabbit.   Beautiful docile and complete doggie treat Nirvana.    He normally just hops around our garden.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I adore dogs.  But I have had my bloodied heart delivered to me in a dogs mouth in the form of my hand reared chooks, and a pet rabbit.  Seeing this dog made me instantly see red.  I was wearing a sports bra and harem pants.  I was on fire.  I ran out of the house and the dog took one look at me and bolted.  I didn’t have to say anything she knew she had crossed the wrong lawn.  I climbed up the hill to the neighbors house that was under construction and completely verbally ripped a new bumhole out of the builder whom I had warned last time not to let his dog wander.  I was livid…and felt completely in effectual which just made me madder.  He just got pissed off that I was so furious.  I could see that I was getting no where with him until I told him that the next time I saw that dog on the property it would find itself either shot or at the SPCA.  (no I could never shoot a dog. But in the state I was in the builder would have probably believed me).   I stormed back down to my house with the guy I am sure thinking he had met the most toxic bitch in all the land.   Part of me said “GOOD”  the other part said Shit now he might just be a dick to be spiteful and let his dog loose again completely defeating the purpose.

So I sent in the Good Cop in this scene.  I had Craig go up and talk to the guy who I think was a little scared of me.  The builder told Craig that  there was no reasoning with me.  Craig explained why.  He asked the man how he would feel if he had walked out one morning to find his dog literally torn to shreds by another dog.  He explained that this had happened to me with my animals 4 separate times in the last 3 years and that I had a zero tolerance policy for negligent dog owners any more.   And by letting his dog roam free he was in violation of city ordinance and we have actually been given permission to shoot any dog that is worrying our stock.  He then calmly looked at the guy and said that he was a crack shot and would protect his animals so it would be in the builders best interest to keep his dog leashed.   (for the record Craig was beside himself for a week when we lost our last Rabbit.  I think my desire to protect Wookie is even more accurately my desire to protect Craig’s tender heart…so no his threat was empty too…he could never hurt the man’s dog but the guy wouldn’t know that. )

Then he patted the old dog on her head and wished him a good day. So much more effective.  I know.  But I also feel the one two punch was the most effective.  If Craig had just calmly reasoned with him I am not sure if he would be as motivated but the idea of a mad woman being released on him with an actual dead pet has probably put the fear of the dark goddess in him.

So where does that leave me and my Wild Woman head of Security.  Don’t actually know.  I hope in this lifetime to advance spiritually.  The idea of Enlightenment really appeals to me as a noble goal for this life however I also understand the concept of yin and yang.  Of balance.   So in my heart will always be this wildling.  I suppose the trick is learning to make sure she is most effectively loosened in a way that will more than likely result in the highest good for all concerned not just my own flock.  To train her like a peaceful warrior that will only fight if really pressed and will do it with the utmost grace, precision, and respect for the opponent.   Yesterday was a thrashing with a club…the goal I suppose is to be more rapier like without the unnecessary cutting.